No good can come of this.......

Not really sure why, but as of late a number of friends of mine (driven either by pure good intent, or by envy of my seemingly happy-go-lucky bachelorhood to destroy that which they cannot posess) have taken it upon themselves to introduce me to members of the opposite sex.
Not that I should complain, but for one fact.
It has been pretty obvious to me for some time that something in my nature..... pheramones, neurosis or eccentricities strongly attracts only two types among the vast cornacopia of modern American females, best described as "Hummingbirds" and "Hens".

For the uninitated, I shall define these terms as best I can.....
First the Hummingbirds:
Flighty and independant-minded, the rule is that there are no rules....and only a fool would try to predict the revelations of the next moment. To them there is no such word as embarassment. Typical behaviors include:
Singing karaoke deliberately off-key in the voice of a child
Treating an unsuspecting Douchbag to a mat-shot
Impersonating Xena the Warrior princess ("aye-yah-yee-yee-yee-yah!")
Leaping up in mid conversation to dance frenetically to their favorite song (as you sit watching the handbag)
Belching the National Anthem
Dropping by at 3am with a case of beer
Starting a food fight in a restaurant
Showing off tattoos in places that really shouldn't be shown in a public place
Inciting one to wonder where a grown woman would aquire a pair of panties emblazed with the
likeness of Curious George while riding in the back seat of a car occupied by a more sane couple.
Just to name a few.
Thankfully, I have never allowed any of these to progress to the status of "girlfriend" or, by virtue of good hygene, "one night stand".

Now the Hens, on the other hand, are a different thing altogether. Typically a bit more rubenesque, their personas exude an unmistakable aura of desperation and clingyness, and though, while a bit more reserved they do have their moments of forcefulness.
Typical Hen behaviors include:
Feining intrest in anything that you seem to find interesting
Cooking meals (preferably breakfast)
Pestering friends for details on your financial stability
Suggesting wardrobe changes, hairstyles, or shoes they want you to try
Suprise encounters with their mother and/or Children of a previous marriage
Invitations to "singles night" at the Baptist Church or Synagog...... despite your being Catholic
Insisting on paying for dinner
Hiding your cigarettes
Offering naive suggestions on how to streamline or expand your business
Calling at odd hours to check up on you....... and calling..... and calling.... and calling
Materializing in your favorite neighborhood bar, and expressing concern that you are (gasp!) drinking a beer.......on a Tuesday!

I haven't yet decided which of these types I find more frightening..... but research is ongoing. And shall continue as long as I have an interest in women. The next "blind encounter" is scheduled for Monday.
Watch this space for details.